Jealousy

I can't help that I get jealous or insulted from time to time. Playing a game where the general objective of the game is to pick up people and have virtual sex can make a guy like me feel intimidated. With the breakdown of Nicole's car came a need for a 900 dollars down payment for a new one. I really wanted to help her with it and got a feeling of uselessness after the fact that I was unable to do so. It's hard to be so far away and not be able to hug the girl you love for comfort so it's hard to not be able to do something when you can. Still jealousy is always an issue with me, I try hard not to let it take over me but sometimes it does, it always has, it's just the way I am.

It didn't take me very long to develop feelings for Coley. My resistance failed and I had decided to drop it all and spend every moment I could with her. I would sign in and she'd walk over to me and stand next to me. I'd feel special, as if I was the only boy privileged enough to get such an amazing girl wanting to talk to me and stand next to me. It's no wonder I'd get a pinchy feeling in my chest and a feeling as if a million microscopic metal balls were rolling down my skin when I'd see some other guy stand by her. I didn't let it get to me, I really had no right to, we were just friends after all! Still questions like "Who is that guy? How's he know her? Is he hitting on her!?" would race into my head and then I'd shake them off with the excuse that she was just a friend.

When I met her I began to notice a lot more of one boy in particular. He was Reese, a slightly more energetic guy who had taped himself dancing for her. When she had told me and showed me the youtube he had made for her I thought of doing it myself. Then I realized I can't dance and I would probably just embarrass myself. So, I did what I could and drew her a picture of her avatar instead! She really liked it, in fact I was the first boy to ever draw her something. "Hah, take that REESE" I thought to myself, only to follow it with thoughts of what a dork I was. I felt like a king when she had changed her profile picture to the very same picture I had drawn her.

That night when we had talked Coley had suggested us watching a movie together. She was so cute about it, telling me if thought it was lame I didn't have to do it. Even to this day I think there's noway watching a moving online with such a cute girl could ever be lame. I snuck away from my friend early that night to watch a movie with her. We watched "Monsters Vs. Aliens". The movie was pretty funny but for the most part I ended up listening to her giggles and laughter. I realized that her laughter would in turn make me smile to the point that my cheeks would begin to hurt. At the end of the movie we yet again laid in bed and talked until 5 AM.

At this point we had both developed something towards each other. I remember her saying "Oh Gosh, this is really going to mess me up." and "Please don't hurt me" to which my brain instantly thought of how crazy it'd be for someone to ever hurt her. In response I told her I'd never hurt her and asked her to not hurt me either. We then started playing the questions game where we began to learn a lot about each other.

The next day I signed in and saw her sitting in Reese's lap. I couldn't help the intense feelings of jealousy, I knew what I was feeling towards her but at the same time maybe it was just my own feelings. I had convinced myself she was just my friend and bit the bullet and ignored it. My jealousy was easily dispersed when she got up and walked over to me. An odd sense of joy filled me again.

It had only been a month since we had started talking. But within this month we had talked every night. I couldn't help feeling attached to Coley somehow. I didn't want to seem creepy so I didn't express my feelings towards her. I later found out she had felt the same, though perhaps not as quickly as me. She told me she had to start working over break and couldn't stay up so late during Christmas break. I told her I'd just help her fall asleep then! I think she was pretty happy to hear me say that I wasn't going to stop talking to her just because she wouldn't stay up all night with me. How could I not? I was pretty much addicted to her at this point.

Bad Days

Nicole's had a pretty rough day today, I'm not going to get into detail about since it's not something to write about on a Blog page. There's nothing worse than hearing the person you love sad over a microphone hundred of miles away. I wanted nothing more than to hug her and tell her everything was going to be okay. Unfortunately all I could do was tell her everything is going to be okay. It's days like this that make it that much harder for me to wait for next year. That isn't to be mistook as me saying I don't want to wait, I'd wait forever for her, I just mean it makes the waiting harder.

When I last left off writing I was talking about going to bed after spending what was quite possibly the best night of my life with Nicole. The next day seemed like a normal enough day, filled with slacking off in class and hanging out with friends, but what was different is I did something I didn't normally do during the daytime, I decided to sign onto the game where I had met Nicole. To my surprise my screen suddenly got a teleport request from her. I was so excited I nearly hopped out of my chair. I quickly clicked the teleport button and waited what seemed like 30 years for my computer to load the place I had gotten sent to. There she was again, what was the cutest avatar I had ever seen in the game.

I oddly got a bit nervous when I saw her, I really wanted to move my avatar and stand next to her but I was afraid that what we had was just a one time deal, and I didn't want to get in between her and any relationships she had formed in game. My heart suddenly filled with joy as I saw her walk over to me and shout my name in excitement. I was shy and simply responded with a meager "hi!". The day was filled with quirky dialogues between us talking about being gangster. Well they were really more like, how gangster she was and how white I was.

As we talked a question continually rang in my head, would I be able to talk to her again tonight. I was too shy to ask so I simply continued our chat about doing drive-bys. When night finally came around we were getting ready to log off and head to bed. My stomach churned, I didn't want to let her go without me. I mustered up the courage and finally asked "Can I tell you another bedtime story C?"

To my happy surprise she responded that she would love another bedtime story. I had earlier fiddled with Skype and gotten it working, so this time we met on Skype. I smiled as I saw her screen name come online and send me a call. We began talking and as we talked I began to notice a faint sensation in my chest again. A feeling that I hadn't felt in the longest time. It was odd to me that I could get a feeling like this for someone I had never seen before. The night was stilled filled with her beautiful laughter and her discovery of the word "broad". Before either of us knew it, it was 4 AM again and we decided it would be the best idea to go to bed as we both had things to do in the morning.

I laid down in my bed, staring at the ceiling of my empty room again, it's quietness disturbed by the faint thumping of my heart beating against my ribcage. I smiled and let out a quiet little laugh, then looked around the room chuckling a bit more that I had just laughed out of sheer joy. I fell asleep and woke up 6 hours later. I didn't want to wait until nighttime to talk to her again so I logged onto the game to see if she was up. I smiled as I saw her online and again received another teleport request. Another 30 years of loading passed and I finally saw her, she was excited to see me again! She told me to sit next to her and I did and we went to our private IMs. She told me she had heard a woman say "broad" in a Panera Bread and cracked up. I felt a sense of happiness knowing that she had remembered the things we talked about. It seemed that as soon as I sat down my next class had begun, so I said goodbye and left.

The day went on as usual, only interrupted by the ringing of her laughter in my ears which always put a smile on my face. At the end of the day I returned to my room and signed back on. As you could have guessed by now I had received another teleport. I teleported to her and she stood by me once again. She told me she had gotten bored of the sim we were in so I decided to try and find another sim.

We teleported to a sim that was based on Alaska. We walked around making jokes about the deers in the sims being related to me. We got to a part of the Sim that had a cabin and talked about how nice it would be to live in Alaska and how we both loved the snow. After a while of talking she picked up a snowball and threw it at me. I chuckled and grabbed some snow and attempted to throw it at her, failing in the process and falling onto my face. As I slowly got up, I noticed her standing in front of me, I hopped up and gently pushed her down into the snow. I imagined what it would have been like to be there in real life, looking into her eyes. I slowly lowered my head towards her, in my mind the expression on her face changing slightly, her lips parted slightly open, warm clouds of breath pushing out of her mouth. As my nose got closer to hers I could imagine the feeling of the warmth from her cheeks meeting with mine, the skin of our lips almost touching. As our lips finally met for a split second a sudden thumping came out of nowhere.

I perked my head up from the computer, snapping out of my fantasy and realizing that someone was knocking on my door. I told her I'd be right back and stood up looking through the eyeglass and seeing it was a friend of mine. I awkwardly opened the door and asked what was up. They had wanted to go on a walk, a routine which we had established we'd do every other day that year. I had no choice but to agree as my reasoning was that it'd be silly to ignore friends over someone in a video game. Yet as I told her I had to go, a churning in my chest began that what I was doing was wrong. As if my heart itself was telling me to stay and be with her. I didn't listen to my heart back then, something I wish I could change today.

The walk wasn't bad, the whole time I was walking with my friends I thought about her, I thought about telling my friends about what an amazing person I had met. My mouth kept shut only by the prospect that my friends wouldn't understand doing something like meeting a person in a game. At the end of the walk we stood outside my dorm and talked, a feeling of anxiousness broke over my body, here I was standing feet away from being able to talk to the amazing person who made my heart act differently and I was talking to my friends instead. After a few moments of talking I made an excuse for leaving my friends and returning to my room. I quickly sat in my chair and put on my headset.

I logged back into the game and got teleported again. I saw her sitting in a pillow in a cuddling animation with another guy. I tried to think nothing of it, but I couldn't help the feeling in my chest, as though my heart was being squeezed by my own mind to stop beating again. It was an odd sensation, not quite jealousy, I still can't explain it today. I stood and acted normal since she wasn't doing anything wrong, nobody was. After a few moments I saw her stand up and she walked over to me and stood by me again. It felt like every muscle in my body loosened, as if suddenly everything was right with the world. In my mind I thought I was being a dork and that it was silly for me to be letting things like this affect me.

Still I couldn't ignore the feeling as if something was pushing me towards her, as if I was supposed to talk to her. My mind buzzed with the thought that I'm getting too attached too fast. I wanted to talk to her that night, but I reasoned that perhaps it wouldn't be a good idea, since I was getting feelings so fast for her and perhaps she wasn't towards me. We chatted in game and at the end of the night I told her I had to get up early the next day and that I couldn't talk that night.

I laid down in my bed, staring at the ceiling again. A feeling flooded me as if what I had done was wrong, and that I should have talked to her that night. I stared at the ceiling of my empty room again, trying to clear my mind, but I couldn't stop images of me holding her hand, or looking into her eyes, or kissing her. I had convinced myself that it was only me with these feelings and that it was silly of me to be so worked up after so little time. I let out a final sigh, a tactic that sometimes let my thoughts clear out, and my room suddenly went quiet. I closed my eyes and fell asleep.

Side Note: Nicole got me a new tablet for my birthday! She's super duper amazing-tastic!

Loaves of Cheese

It took 848 miles, 1,492,480 yards, 4,477,440 feet to get my arms around the girl I love. The funny thing is, when I finally got there I was too shy to look her in the face, let alone hug her. When I finally mustered up the courage to look into her eyes I could feel my heart pushing against my rib cage like I had felt all those nights I fell asleep listening to her voice. It didn't take too much longer for us to be cuddling in bed together and falling into a love filled slumber.

It all started one fall night on a game called "Second Life". I had a character in the game that I had created out of boredom some time ago and I was playing to the to kill time. There was never any intention of my signing on and finding someone to talk to on Skype, let alone spend the rest of my nights talking to for a year. But there she was, quite possibly the cutest avatar I had seen in the entire game. It wasn't unnatural to find avatars in the game that were cute or sexually appealing since most of the avatars in the game are blemish free and perfectly symmetrical. I had always tried to throw aside such feelings since I knew that nobody looked like their avatar in game. Yet for some reason I found her avatar very appealing, she was cute and not whorie and gave me the sense that she wasn't in the game to have virtual sex with random players.

Our first interaction began with her curb stomping my face in followed by sitting on a box next to my broken face. Instantly disapproval, or so I thought. I signed off after chatting with some people in the Sim and logged on later in the night. There she was, standing around, I thought nothing of it at the time. After a few minutes of standing she sent me an IM. It turned out that she was friends with one of the people I was talking with. She was nervous about a presentation she had to give in class and needed help falling asleep. I tried to give her some advice and calm her down. To my surprise she asked me if I could talk to her on "Skype." I had never let anyone in the game hear my voice before, let alone have a private conversation with someone from the game. Yet for some reason, as if some strong force was pulling me towards something, I said I would.

"What did I just say?" my brain roared as I agreed. For some reason I felt nervous and I tried talking my way out of doing it, a thing I'm grateful I couldn't do. Finally after a half hour of messing around trying to get Skype to work we decided to use MSN.

Our conversation began with me hearing her attempt to say in a deep voice "Are you surprised I'm a man!?" I smiled happy that she had decided to start our conversation with a joke rather than attempting to engage in more perverse activities. I responded in my attempt at a female voice "Oh really, that's okay I'm a girl." At this point in time was the first time I had heard her amazing giggle. We began to talk about random things, what I was doing on SL, what I was in school for, what she was in school for, how we lived, how we grew up. Every 30 minutes or so our call would drop because MSN had a tendency to be crappy. Every break in the call had this feeling of tension like "Would she call back? Should I call back? I wanna keep talking"

I had made a comment about her curbstomping to which she denied doing at first. I didn't mind I played it off as though I had just returned from reconstructive surgery. The night was filled with jokes and laughter that filled my heart with a joy it had not felt in a while. The night was ended by her asking me if I could tell her a bedtime story to help her sleep. I told her the following story:

Three hungry mice lived in a hole in the kitchen. They saw the refrigerator off in the distance. The littlest mouse was really hungry so the mice ran across the floor. Suddenly a big kitten stopped them and said "You guys can't be here I have to eat you now." "WAIT" said the mice "Let's make a deal! We'll give you stuff from the refrigerator." The kitten agreed and said "I want some chicken!" So the mice climbed up and grabbed some chicken and lots of loaves of cheese. The kitten ate the chicken happily and the mice ate their cheese. They all went back into their hole and went to bed.

As I said "Loaves of Cheese" I suddenly heard her crack up and giggle snort. I was filled with embarrassment for a moment then a sense of joy that I had made her laugh. At this point the clock read 4:30 AM. We had both concluded it was late and we had to go to bed. At this point in Time had declared itself my sworn enemy, as every hour with her had felt like mere seconds.

The call hung up and my room suddenly filled with silence. I stared at the screen for a moment recalling the way the night had gone in my head over and over again. A smile felt permanently stuck on my face. I laid down in my bed and stared at the ceiling of my empty dorm. I questioned why I had decided to talk to her on MSN when I'd never done such a thing before. I had taken note of the force feeling but didn't think on it too much because my mind was flooding with different things we could have talked about. I couldn't wait to ask her to talk again, nothing excited me more.

It's been more than a year later now and I have to say I've never been happier, I decided to start a blog so I can write down unforgettable things. Since I've had so many with her already after a year I'll probably keep the story going from where I left off, then add a more recent memory.

Right now It's Valentines Day and since we can't be together we're going to watch movies. We miss each other a lot so it's nice to get to do things like that. The next trip I have planned is around my birthday (March 8th). She paid for the ticket because she's super awesome and amazing! My dad's going to give me a ride to the airport this time around so there's no stress in having to fill my sister's gas tank or have a friend do it. I'm excited to go to see her during my birthday and be there for her's [Our birthdays are 11 days apart!] . I also can't wait to give her my present, and since I know she's going to read this in a few minutes there's no way I'm going to put what it is here.

That's all I'm really going to put here! It's nice to write down how I remember the first night I met Nicole. My heart still beats just as hard as it did back then!